Father's Day

A quick nod to all the fathers out there.  I have a couple myself (and lots of grandfathers), so I understand how special they can be.  That said, it's been a bittersweet holiday the last two years.

Last Monday was Andrew's birthday, and trying to picture him at two years old just makes me miss him that much more.  I've lived the last two years in a strange, sad limbo between fatherhood and nothinghood.  If Andrew had been 10, or 5, or even 2 years old when he had passed away, there'd be no doubt in anyone's mind whether I was a father.  But we were never able to bring him home, never able to show him off....never able to do more than visit him....unfortunately, the nurses were as much of a father to him as I was.  I was there every single day, and I changed his diapers and kissed his forehead and stroked his beautiful skin.....but how unfair is it to tell a father that he'll only hold his son a handful of times?  How can I claim to be a father with only five months of memories and pictures and videos to show for it?

Someone at a wedding last night asked us if D's pregnancy was going to be our first child, and we said yes.  We did it because it's easier than explaining the whole situation, and in the end it's the answer they were looking for.  What they were really asking is whether we have kids at home, and the answer that shouts loudly from our empty nursery is a resounding No.  Perhaps we should go through the whole story with anyone that asks about kids, but that would be a total downer....especially at a wedding.  Essentially denying Andrew's existence is just as unfair to him as denying my fatherhood is to me, but I'm taking the easy way out for now.

I suspect that the circumstances will be quite different next year, and I probably won't get quite as many questions.  With a 10-month old little girl at home, I'll also feel more like a father.  But until she's born, there's an emptiness that reminds me of everything I'm missing out on.  Crying babies?  I'd love one.  Sleepless nights?  Totally worth it.  Terrible twos?  Better than nothing.  This Father's Day, when dads across the country were getting their tacky ties, sappy shirts, and corny cards, I hope they realized just how lucky they were.